Something's in the water

because I've been having the weirdest dreams ever. From rock-climbing with Barack Obama and John McCain to singing karaoke in a ballgown to getting killed by an ex-Nino's employee, I've certainly had some crazy ones. But this one is definitely the strangest. So far. Don't read on if you want to know what actually happens in Ashley's head. You might get scared.

November 6, 2008

I was doing something at my house. Housework or something. And I leaned over to pick something up off my couch, and my eyeball fell out. Just rolled right out of the socket! It didn’t hurt or anything, I was just worried because I wanted it back inside. And I was worried it would get dirty, and I wanted it to stay sanitary, so I put it in my mouth. I meant to just keep it there till I found a better place for it, but I accidentally ate some of it. It tasted awful. It sort of looked like an egg, and the top layer had come off.

After calling many numbers in the phone book, I finally found someone who would do the surgery on my eyeball. She said she was very busy but if she could find someone to watch her children she would be able to do it. She told me to meet her at the beach. I went to this beach that looked like the one at Deauville with some friends. People were surfing there. I laid in the back of the pickup truck bed with someone who felt exactly like Tapan but he had lighter skin and red hair. But it was him. I laid my head on his chest and noticed that his body was a puzzle. I was putting in the last piece – the corner of his heart – but it wasn’t correct. Someone had clearly put the puzzle together wrong before and now I would have to take it all apart and start again.

Finally I saw the woman who was going to put my eye back in. She was sunbathing! I asked her if we should, you know, go to her office. She said it was a good idea, so we went there. Barack Obama was the door man. Once in her office, I told her that I didn’t have any insurance right now. She explained to me that I had two operations to choose from. I could choose either the brand new $15,000 state-of-the-art eye with 20/20 vision that would look just like my own eye, or I could choose the other model – the eye of a dead world war two soldier. The vision wouldn’t last long and it wouldn’t look like my other eye in the least. This model cost $150,000. I thought that it was obvious which eye to choose, but Barack Obama disagreed with me. He encouraged me to buy the WWII eye, saying that it would be a great privilege and honor to wear this eye. He was so enthusiastic about this eye. I explained that I had no insurance and couldn’t afford it. He told me it would be no problem, and I thought he meant he would pay. So I went ahead and got the surgery.

In the end, Barack Obama did not pay my bill. I was left with a $150,000 bill and waning vision in a decrepit dead man’s eye.