What changes, what stays the same

So I came to the realization not so long ago that I don't live in France anymore.

I know that sounds crazy because at some point close to a year ago, I got myself on a plane, flew across an ocean, reunited with T and all my family and friends, and threw myself into the job hunt. Then I accepted my dream job, moved in with T, and settled down. So, yeah, I live in New Jersey again. And I'm here to stay.

From the moment I got home, I knew I had said goodbye to my town with a dozen cafes on every street, bookstores galore, and bartenders who knew me. I had accepted the fact that I would only see some of my dearest friends annually. And I was totally stoked to be back in the USA, land of the convenience store and home of the sprawling highway, where I could drive my car again! So much good here.

What I didn't realize AT ALL until this week was that France meant so, so much to my physical health. When I compare myself to where I was a year ago, I am ashamed and saddened. I am eating too much and I am participating in ZERO physical activity aside from when I am at work and the occasional Saturday fun activity with friends.

I gained ten pounds since the beginning of the school year and didn't quite understand why. But this is where I have to remember that I am not in France anymore. There, I (begrudgingly, sometimes, I admit) walked everywhere. Across town multiple times a day. Sometimes with heavy grocery bags in both arms. I ate better, whole foods. And a lot of friends, in what I have come to see as a very appreciated, very French type of criticism, raised their eyebrows at me if I ordered a heavy dessert after a heavy dinner, or exhibited any similar gourmande activity. I watched the way parents educated their kids about healthy eating and I listened to what they said for myself. I got slimmer, but more importantly, I got healthier.

Today, I am lethargic, unreasonably cold ALL THE TIME, cranky, and worst of all, lazy. It was a long, cold winter and I am over it.

I want Spring to be a time of healing. Because I have a lot of healing to do. So I am educating myself about how to eat the right foods when I need them. I bought a juicer. I am seeing a nutritionist. I am going to a gym. And I hope more than anything that I can get healthy again. Because I have been on this road many times and failed. I don't understand how the same me who has faced and overcome my fair share of challenges is the same person who cannot turn down a cupcake.

Friends, what have you done to keep you motivated as you got healthy? What am I missing? I am not sure I have ever had willpower. Where can I sign up for some of that?